Today is the day my body achieved a full immune response to my 2-dose COVID-19 vaccination series. While I have always been pro-vaccine, the past year makes this day so much more meaningful & powerful. A year ago, I was in Queens, NY as a frontline RN. CNN, the NYT, or any other media organization could not have possibly adequately prepared me for what I witnessed firsthand. The staff, patients, families, & communities who suffered & died before they had the opportunity to be vaccinated are weighing on my mind today.
When you witness people die alone, with no family at the bedside, due to a lack of resources (equipment, beds, staff, knowledge, treatment, support, etc.), you grieve. Grieving is ugly & messy. I definitely revealed some of the uglier, messier parts of myself in the aftermath of it all. I wish I could rent a blimp to fly high in the air that says "I apologize" to anyone who had to deal with my anger & frustration during this process.
There were nightmares, moments of panic when I thought, "This is where my life will come to an end; it's inevitable." Paternalistic rants to friends who were anti-mask, vaccine-hesitant, or saw truth in conspiracy theories surrounding the pandemic actually ended friendships. And then there's the presidential election. Presidential elections are usually my Super Bowl. I don't sleep until victory is declared. I was so terrified that the incumbent would be re-elected, given the Administration's response to the pandemic, I had to close my laptop & keep the TV off. In my mind, at the time, his re-election would have set an expiration date on humankind's existence. Phew. Extinction averted. Realize I'm being hyperbolic & humorous to a point, but I did sweat it out. My tendency to freak out over infection control issues at work & outside of work was escalating. On a positive note, this may explain why I remained PCR & antibody negative all year.
Worst of all, there still is a part of me that wonders if I was a better nurse, could I have changed the outcome for any of the patients in Queens. A better nurse won't increase the availability of BIPAP machines, ventilators, & ICU beds, & it certainly wouldn't have prevented me from handing out hydroxychloroquine when there were no known, effective treatments readily available. However, there is guilt that is slowly subsiding.
I realize now that a lot of the previous 2 paragraphs is full of irrational thoughts, & I also realize I'm healing, not just from April 2020, but from everything traumatic or painful I've experienced in my life.
Nothing will make you value your life &, life in general, more than witnessing so many people lose theirs in such a tragic way. Death is inevitable, & I've obviously witnessed it before as a nurse, but it is why & how those people lost their lives that makes it difficult to find peace & come to terms with those most affected by the pandemic.
Going through this grieving process, I am now entering a healing phase, & that healing process has allowed me to honor the victims who suffered the most in the best way possible. I value my life more than I ever imagined possible now. I value life in general in a more profound, meaningful way. I look at human beings with more compassion than I did before April 2020, and it has led me to re-prioritize my goals to focus on what is most important to me. My faith in God has been renewed.
My desire to live a purposeful life is enlivened. My hope & prayer is that I will continue to honor those who have suffered the most by maintaining this momentum in a way that allows me to thrive & contribute in a positive way to the issues that came to the forefront over the past year: the need to push harder for social justice, to have compassion for ALL our fellow human beings* (see disclaimer) & the valuable contribution science and accurate knowledge can make to the quality of all our lives.
It feels good to be protected. It's a good day.
DISCLAIMER: Please don't misinterpret this statement to be a reference to the preposterous argument over which lives matter. I'm 100% in support of BLM. I’m also a huge fan of the many 1st responders who serve & protect honorably, respectfully, indiscriminately, & equitably.
ABC News
